back to chapter one.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
My life is on chapter three.
Chapter 01 - grade school
Chapter 02 - high school
Chapter 03 - college
You see it on TV, the reluctance to attend a high school reunion. Completely justified. Yesterday, I was dragged to my childhood friend's baby's birthday party, which also served as a reunion. I couldn't consider it to be a high school reunion, since I studied elsewhere; grade school will have to do - I've been around from kindergarten to the sixth grade.
[anonymous] told me, "para kang bibitayin ah." (you sound like you're headed for the gallows).
Indeed.
I haven't seen them for years. And since I got back, I'll admit that I was quite happily playing dead to them. Nasty, I know. They're friends, don't get me wrong. It's just that when I left, I kind of lost a connection with them. When it comes to me, it's always the extremes: either I let go completely, or not at all.
Which is why if I really like you as a friend, I'll keep bugging you for the rest of your life. Haha.
I have terrible PR skills.
Like yesterday, they were reminiscing about high school. 90% of the time, they were gossiping, exchanging news about what happened to who, where did who ended up, what is who up to now, etc. They all grew up together. From sniveling kindergarten students to hugging each other, while wearing togas at their high school graduation. From time to time, they even run into each other at UP or elsewhere.
I, on the other hand, left after first year high school. I studied elsewhere with an entirely different group of people.
So where did that leave me? At a corner, a total mute, awkwardly sipping water while I struggled to associate faces with their respective names. The names sounded familiar, of course. But.. no, sorry. I can't remember anything.
Yesterday, I was in the company of UP students and graduates. Some were already working, some attending med school, or graduating from architecture, business, et al. Some are already married and have children. Granted, my high school classmates are probably even more successful, studying universities abroad, some working by now, probably; but at least I still remember them.
I then had an epiphany: I've allowed myself to become so isolated to the point that I feel like an unwanted stranger; a lurker, even.
Oh, that and I have no life. But this one is a fact, old news.
My childhood friends kept asking me yesterday, "so what's new with you?"
I reply, "Nothing."
One of my best friends told me over MSN, "I think you're doing very well yourself. there are things that you are having right now i wish i can have it." Likewise, [anonymous] told me that I shouldn't be affected by this so much, "VIP ka naman sa school."
VIP now. Editor-in-chief of the campus publication, defending champion in essay writing, decent grades, great friends... etc. I have a name now, really. And I like it very much. I worked hard. Just next month, I'll be competing in three events. Heh. But although I can't help but compare it to them, I'm really not big on the idea of bragging that things are different for me; late bloomer, granted, but having reminders of past failures breathing down your neck helps motivate you to do better.
I like where I am right now. I'm happy.
But maybe this aversion (for my childhood crowd) comes from knowing that these people know you differently and that's how they'll always remember you; they know the "you" that you're trying to very hard to get over, to beat, to bury and hope it never comes up again.
No matter how seemingly confident or nigh untouchable I am right now, just flip the coin: my elem classmates remember me as a crybaby and my HS classmates know me as the procrastinator.
No, it's not something I'd want written on my tombstone.
Chapter 01 - grade school
Chapter 02 - high school
Chapter 03 - college
You see it on TV, the reluctance to attend a high school reunion. Completely justified. Yesterday, I was dragged to my childhood friend's baby's birthday party, which also served as a reunion. I couldn't consider it to be a high school reunion, since I studied elsewhere; grade school will have to do - I've been around from kindergarten to the sixth grade.
[anonymous] told me, "para kang bibitayin ah." (you sound like you're headed for the gallows).
Indeed.
I haven't seen them for years. And since I got back, I'll admit that I was quite happily playing dead to them. Nasty, I know. They're friends, don't get me wrong. It's just that when I left, I kind of lost a connection with them. When it comes to me, it's always the extremes: either I let go completely, or not at all.
Which is why if I really like you as a friend, I'll keep bugging you for the rest of your life. Haha.
I have terrible PR skills.
Like yesterday, they were reminiscing about high school. 90% of the time, they were gossiping, exchanging news about what happened to who, where did who ended up, what is who up to now, etc. They all grew up together. From sniveling kindergarten students to hugging each other, while wearing togas at their high school graduation. From time to time, they even run into each other at UP or elsewhere.
I, on the other hand, left after first year high school. I studied elsewhere with an entirely different group of people.
So where did that leave me? At a corner, a total mute, awkwardly sipping water while I struggled to associate faces with their respective names. The names sounded familiar, of course. But.. no, sorry. I can't remember anything.
Yesterday, I was in the company of UP students and graduates. Some were already working, some attending med school, or graduating from architecture, business, et al. Some are already married and have children. Granted, my high school classmates are probably even more successful, studying universities abroad, some working by now, probably; but at least I still remember them.
I then had an epiphany: I've allowed myself to become so isolated to the point that I feel like an unwanted stranger; a lurker, even.
Oh, that and I have no life. But this one is a fact, old news.
My childhood friends kept asking me yesterday, "so what's new with you?"
I reply, "Nothing."
One of my best friends told me over MSN, "I think you're doing very well yourself. there are things that you are having right now i wish i can have it." Likewise, [anonymous] told me that I shouldn't be affected by this so much, "VIP ka naman sa school."
VIP now. Editor-in-chief of the campus publication, defending champion in essay writing, decent grades, great friends... etc. I have a name now, really. And I like it very much. I worked hard. Just next month, I'll be competing in three events. Heh. But although I can't help but compare it to them, I'm really not big on the idea of bragging that things are different for me; late bloomer, granted, but having reminders of past failures breathing down your neck helps motivate you to do better.
I like where I am right now. I'm happy.
But maybe this aversion (for my childhood crowd) comes from knowing that these people know you differently and that's how they'll always remember you; they know the "you" that you're trying to very hard to get over, to beat, to bury and hope it never comes up again.
No matter how seemingly confident or nigh untouchable I am right now, just flip the coin: my elem classmates remember me as a crybaby and my HS classmates know me as the procrastinator.
No, it's not something I'd want written on my tombstone.
This entry was posted
on Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 8:30 PM.
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October 23, 2007 at 12:41 AM
Yes, and I love you too. LOL. Keep bugging.